GOD SAVE THE QUEEN
Who is fed up with this bloody Jubilee. Prince Andrew and his ski holidays, his wife who does and says anything for money, Kate getting thousands for a book that advises on how to have a party when most can't afford to pay for day to day things. having to be amazed that she can read a speech like a robot! Millions being spent on barges to float down the Thames, security, disruption to Londoners. Trying to push people into street parties so they can show them on the telly LOOKING BORED UNTIL THE CAMERAS ARE TURNED ON.
But its so good for the economy we are told, it brings in tourism. Why do we put up with this soap opera, are we so sad and uninteresting that we have to live our lives through celebrity?
HOWARDMASON
Monday, 16 April 2012
Friday, 23 March 2012
NOAH'S BIG CHALLENGE
NOAH’S
BIG CHALLENGE
O.K, O.K… I’ll build a boat but I want my own private
cabin for the family; air conditioning and on suite.
My life! If I wanted forty days of rain I’d live in Manchester .
So he set to work. Fortunately a local ship yard had just closed
so the next day Noah went first thing to Harland ship yard. He assembled all the workers. “O.K. boys, I have a rush job for you, it’s
to build a ship to hold two of each animal.
The men looked confused. Noah had
worked for B&Q in the past so he new a few tricks.
“Look boys there’s overtime and double
time at weekends. A few murmurs could be
heard amongst the crowd.
“What’s it for, animals you say?” Asked one particularly offensive looking man.
“It’s for a floating zoo”, replied
Noah thinking quickly. “O.K. free tea
and biscuits all day.”
“Hurrah!” went the crowd. The men set to work.
Noah sat down on a wall and pulled out
his hip flask. Where am I going to find
two of each animal? At that moment two
cats chased each other round his feet.
Within seconds Noah had both of them in his white van. Before long he had painted ‘BBC Pet Rescue’
on the side of his van then drove around the local council estates.
“Yes Madame, if you let me have your
guinea pigs they’ll appear on television next Tuesday.”
In two days he had collected hundreds
of animals, reptiles and insects from snakes to dogs and stick insects to a man
who gave him a pair of stoats.
That night whilst watching ’Corrie’ he
thought on how he was going to get some bigger animals. He decided on contacting an animal rights
group.
“How would you like to get involved
with something big, really big? I want
to hit London Zoo and free all the animals.
How’s that for crazy? I’m hiring
ten artic lorries to take them to a special hide out”.
“Wow that is big,” said a scruffy
green haired girl.
Noah could sense a little reluctance
in their expressions.
“Think of the publicity, you’d be
likened to St Francis.”
With egos boosted nods came from one
and all.
Two days later at nightfall the
lorries sped through the main gates. A
lone security guard tried to flag them down but was brushed aside by a size 11
boot dangling through the cab door. It
took five hours to load all the livestock onto the lorries. The brown bears being particular troublesome
due to a bad dose of diahoerra. On the
way out the security guard had just got up only to receive the same boot.
After an exhausting day Noah staggered
upstairs to bed. Next morning Noah went
to see how the ship was going. To his
surprise a shell had already been built.
“Well done lads”
“We’d be doing even better if it
wasn’t for all this rain”, said the foreman.
“Yes unfortunately I have just seen
the weather forecast and the rain looks set in”.
“Ah well Mr Noah the ships going to
get wet soon enough”.
Noah nodded. “Oh, by the way I’ve had these plans drawn up
for the Captain’s quarters. No cutting
corners now”.
Two weeks later and the rivers had
long ago broken their banks; houses are under water in low lying areas. Noah knows he’s got to move fast. He goes to visit the animals that are being
looked after by his wife and family and a few of the animal rights
activists. Things seem to be ok; a lion
had eaten one of the deer but a replacement had been found. Then something remarkable happened he
suddenly realised that he could understand what the animals were saying to each
other.
“I’m not sharing with the tigers” said
one of the wildebeest. “Me neither”
agreed a small pig. A huge elephant
snorted “I’m certainly not sharing with any mice”.
“Those skunks smell!” A cow ran through the door chased by a huge
bull. “You’ve got no chance of sharing
with me” said the cow to the bull. Noah
began to think it was a hopeless task, why am I bothering to save them. A giraffe lowered his head. “No need to be
like that dear chap”
“You understand me” said Noah
astonished.
“Of course just like you we have been
given the ability to understand”.
An owl piped up, “Of course what some
species say is babble.”
Noah stood on a box in front of the
first building. “Look, I don’t think you
know how serious this is. Unless you
start to sort yourselves out you will all die?”
Noah explained what was going to happen.
“I do not care who you go with as long
as you all go on the boat” barked Noah. With that he walked out to inspect the ship.
“Wow! It looks great”, said Noah.
He went on a tour with the chief
engineer. There was a pool for penguins
and seals, ropes and tyres for monkeys and a jeep for the rhinos to
charge. At the stern a large expanse of
Astro turf.
“That’ll be good for the grazers”.
The engineer laughed, “That’s for a
driving range.”
“A driving range, what for golf?”
“Well yes.”
Noah feeling angry suddenly realised
that this was a floating zoo to the engineer and he probably thought there
ought to be some entertainment.
“Excellent idea, well done.”
Another week went by. All around water could be seen. Weather forecasters and insurance company
workers were being assaulted. Riots were
breaking out, people headed to the hills taking their possessions. Noah had to move fast as there were only a
few days left.
Arriving back he met the giraffe who
looked rather pleased with himself.
“All sorted Noah. We’re ready when you are.
A resolution has been passed that if
any animal kills or attacks another they will be killed, thus ending the
existence of that particular species.”
A tiny little voice belonging to a
wallaby piped up.
“There are a few exceptions though.”
“Oh?” questioned Noah.
The giraffe continued. “It seems as though mistakes have been made;
you have two male tigers. It’s O.K.
though they get on very well.”
Noah looked aghast, his wife whispered
in his ear. “Don’t worry they were
nearly extinct anyway.”
“What else?” asked Noah hesitantly.
The praying mantis female has eaten
her manfriend.”
“That’s O.K. they only do that after
sex.”
The giraffe pretended he did not hear
that. “Lastly the cow will not go with
the bull.”
This was a problem as cows provided
milk. He looked at the bull and noticed
his under carriage. “Mmm…. I see the
problem. The bull was huge.
A bison wandered over. “I’ll take her off your hands if you want?”
“Fine”, said the cow flashing her
eyes.
“That’s it then, all settled.”
“What about me?” bellowed the bull.
Noah smiled, “I’ve got that sust don’t
worry.” He looked at his wife. “Where’s your mother?”
A few of the workers who hadn’t left
sat on a crane and wished me luck. One shouted
“I do not think your going to get much business for a few days until the
weather clears.”
Noah bellowed, “God Bless.”
Two hours later, only a few tower
blocks could be seen. The water was calm
except for the rain drops hitting the surface.
Noah was tired; very tired. “I’m going to bed for a few days, don’t wake
me up. Within minutes he was fast
asleep.
When he woke up he saw through the
port hole a beautiful blue sky. “Well
I’ve done it.”
Slowly he had a shower and eats some
breakfast. There seemed to be an eerie
silence. On opening the door a nightmare
developed. Blood lay everywhere, dead
animals littered the deck. The giraffe
struggled to lift his head.
“What happened?” asked Noah.
“The sloth accidently stood on an
ant. The lions said we must follow the
rules and kill the sloth. When the lions
did this the rhinos flattened the lions; in doing so a cat, both rabbits and a
tortoise were trampled on. A zebra and
antelope started a small stampede setting off the Indian and African elephants
who wiped out nearly everything. Some
animals panicked and jumped ship; birds flew off eating insects on their
way. It was awful”.
Noah fell to his knees. “All that effort and worry – nothing to show
for it.” His wife and children were dead;
he appeared to be the only survivor as the giraffe took its last breath.
“Well, that looks like the end of
everything!” Just then he heard a noise
coming from the lower deck. “Help!
Help!”
Noah struggled through the corpses to
find the bull close to death. “Is that
you calling?”
Two hands appeared from behind a large
cereal store followed by a head. It was
Noah’s mother-in-law. “Thank God. Please help me Noah it’s that bull.”
Noah stood still not knowing what to
do. He picked up a red table cloth and
threw it at her.
“Right, run to the edge of the ship
and throw the cloth into the water. The
bull will follow and hopefully fall in.
She ran at a good speed for an old woman. Unfortunately the cloth caught her left foot
just as she reached the edge tripping and falling onto her face. The bull reached his target at great speed;
unable to stop it brushed Noah’s mother-in-law into the sea, the bull following
close behind. The sight of them flaying
around in the water underneath an outspread tablecloth seemed quite surreal.
Noah pulled up a chair, put his feet
up and turned on the portable CD player.
The track playing was the Beatles Nowhere man.
Sunday, 26 February 2012
Friday, 17 February 2012
ONE DAY IN THE JINGLE
One day a long long day ago I went into the Jingle with my trusty little guide.
he was named Winston Mandooloo after his Father Winston Mandooloo III.
Had trouble with the vines so I said, "Winston get out your sharpened meshersmitt and cut our way outta here." This he did with great vinegar, until we approached a cops admist the Jingle. In the open ground
Winston said knowledgly, "Look a lump of water sitting on the ground."
"How remarkabubble." I answered.
"I suppose you picked up theys obserbunsies from your Father Mandooloo III?"
"No Mr Singystoven, from Mandooloo II." said Winston looking rather stupid with self.
In the middle of the lump of water stood a one legged flamenco dancer in a pink suit. I shouted to him,
"Do you know the Pass-a-Dulblea?" But he was not very depressed.
One day a long long day ago I went into the Jingle with my trusty little guide.
he was named Winston Mandooloo after his Father Winston Mandooloo III.
Had trouble with the vines so I said, "Winston get out your sharpened meshersmitt and cut our way outta here." This he did with great vinegar, until we approached a cops admist the Jingle. In the open ground
Winston said knowledgly, "Look a lump of water sitting on the ground."
"How remarkabubble." I answered.
"I suppose you picked up theys obserbunsies from your Father Mandooloo III?"
"No Mr Singystoven, from Mandooloo II." said Winston looking rather stupid with self.
In the middle of the lump of water stood a one legged flamenco dancer in a pink suit. I shouted to him,
"Do you know the Pass-a-Dulblea?" But he was not very depressed.
Thursday, 16 February 2012
Sunday, 12 February 2012
Door Prize
The Door Prize – For Painting
Private View Saturday 17th of March 17:30 - 22:00
Exhibition and Public Voting Continues: 17 – 28 March 2012. Gallery Open: Monday - Sunday, 11:00 – 17:00
The Door Prize is an art competition exclusively for painters, providing a unique and affordable opportunity for both students and practicing artists to exhibit their work in a major exhibition in the UK.The voluntarily run project, directed by Antria Pelekanou (co-director of ‘Persona Art Festival’ and chief curator of ‘A Moving Exhibition’) will run in March 2012 at the Centrespace Gallery in Bristol city centre.
This is my painting I entered and has been shortlisted. Let me know what you think?
The picture shows a girl on her Birthday staring into space and feeling alone. All the others are too busy with their own lives!
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