Friday, 23 March 2012
NOAH’S BIG CHALLENGE
O.K, O.K… I’ll build a boat but I want my own private cabin for the family; air conditioning and on suite.
My life! If I wanted forty days of rain I’d live in
So he set to work. Fortunately a local ship yard had just closed so the next day Noah went first thing to Harland ship yard. He assembled all the workers. “O.K. boys, I have a rush job for you, it’s to build a ship to hold two of each animal. The men looked confused. Noah had worked for B&Q in the past so he new a few tricks.
“Look boys there’s overtime and double time at weekends. A few murmurs could be heard amongst the crowd.
“What’s it for, animals you say?” Asked one particularly offensive looking man.
“It’s for a floating zoo”, replied Noah thinking quickly. “O.K. free tea and biscuits all day.”
“Hurrah!” went the crowd. The men set to work.
Noah sat down on a wall and pulled out his hip flask. Where am I going to find two of each animal? At that moment two cats chased each other round his feet. Within seconds Noah had both of them in his white van. Before long he had painted ‘BBC Pet Rescue’ on the side of his van then drove around the local council estates.
“Yes Madame, if you let me have your guinea pigs they’ll appear on television next Tuesday.”
In two days he had collected hundreds of animals, reptiles and insects from snakes to dogs and stick insects to a man who gave him a pair of stoats.
That night whilst watching ’Corrie’ he thought on how he was going to get some bigger animals. He decided on contacting an animal rights group.
“How would you like to get involved with something big, really big? I want to hit London Zoo and free all the animals. How’s that for crazy? I’m hiring ten artic lorries to take them to a special hide out”.
“Wow that is big,” said a scruffy green haired girl.
Noah could sense a little reluctance in their expressions.
“Think of the publicity, you’d be likened to St Francis.”
With egos boosted nods came from one and all.
Two days later at nightfall the lorries sped through the main gates. A lone security guard tried to flag them down but was brushed aside by a size 11 boot dangling through the cab door. It took five hours to load all the livestock onto the lorries. The brown bears being particular troublesome due to a bad dose of diahoerra. On the way out the security guard had just got up only to receive the same boot.
After an exhausting day Noah staggered upstairs to bed. Next morning Noah went to see how the ship was going. To his surprise a shell had already been built. “Well done lads”
“We’d be doing even better if it wasn’t for all this rain”, said the foreman.
“Yes unfortunately I have just seen the weather forecast and the rain looks set in”.
“Ah well Mr Noah the ships going to get wet soon enough”.
Noah nodded. “Oh, by the way I’ve had these plans drawn up for the Captain’s quarters. No cutting corners now”.
Two weeks later and the rivers had long ago broken their banks; houses are under water in low lying areas. Noah knows he’s got to move fast. He goes to visit the animals that are being looked after by his wife and family and a few of the animal rights activists. Things seem to be ok; a lion had eaten one of the deer but a replacement had been found. Then something remarkable happened he suddenly realised that he could understand what the animals were saying to each other.
“I’m not sharing with the tigers” said one of the wildebeest. “Me neither” agreed a small pig. A huge elephant snorted “I’m certainly not sharing with any mice”.
“Those skunks smell!” A cow ran through the door chased by a huge bull. “You’ve got no chance of sharing with me” said the cow to the bull. Noah began to think it was a hopeless task, why am I bothering to save them. A giraffe lowered his head. “No need to be like that dear chap”
“You understand me” said Noah astonished.
“Of course just like you we have been given the ability to understand”.
An owl piped up, “Of course what some species say is babble.”
Noah stood on a box in front of the first building. “Look, I don’t think you know how serious this is. Unless you start to sort yourselves out you will all die?” Noah explained what was going to happen.
“I do not care who you go with as long as you all go on the boat” barked Noah. With that he walked out to inspect the ship.
“Wow! It looks great”, said Noah.
He went on a tour with the chief engineer. There was a pool for penguins and seals, ropes and tyres for monkeys and a jeep for the rhinos to charge. At the stern a large expanse of Astro turf.
“That’ll be good for the grazers”.
The engineer laughed, “That’s for a driving range.”
“A driving range, what for golf?”
Noah feeling angry suddenly realised that this was a floating zoo to the engineer and he probably thought there ought to be some entertainment.
“Excellent idea, well done.”
Another week went by. All around water could be seen. Weather forecasters and insurance company workers were being assaulted. Riots were breaking out, people headed to the hills taking their possessions. Noah had to move fast as there were only a few days left.
Arriving back he met the giraffe who looked rather pleased with himself.
“All sorted Noah. We’re ready when you are.
A resolution has been passed that if any animal kills or attacks another they will be killed, thus ending the existence of that particular species.”
A tiny little voice belonging to a wallaby piped up.
“There are a few exceptions though.”
“Oh?” questioned Noah.
The giraffe continued. “It seems as though mistakes have been made; you have two male tigers. It’s O.K. though they get on very well.”
Noah looked aghast, his wife whispered in his ear. “Don’t worry they were nearly extinct anyway.”
“What else?” asked Noah hesitantly.
The praying mantis female has eaten her manfriend.”
“That’s O.K. they only do that after sex.”
The giraffe pretended he did not hear that. “Lastly the cow will not go with the bull.”
This was a problem as cows provided milk. He looked at the bull and noticed his under carriage. “Mmm…. I see the problem. The bull was huge.
A bison wandered over. “I’ll take her off your hands if you want?”
“Fine”, said the cow flashing her eyes.
“That’s it then, all settled.”
“What about me?” bellowed the bull.
Noah smiled, “I’ve got that sust don’t worry.” He looked at his wife. “Where’s your mother?”
A few of the workers who hadn’t left sat on a crane and wished me luck. One shouted “I do not think your going to get much business for a few days until the weather clears.”
Noah bellowed, “God Bless.”
Two hours later, only a few tower blocks could be seen. The water was calm except for the rain drops hitting the surface.
Noah was tired; very tired. “I’m going to bed for a few days, don’t wake me up. Within minutes he was fast asleep.
When he woke up he saw through the port hole a beautiful blue sky. “Well I’ve done it.”
Slowly he had a shower and eats some breakfast. There seemed to be an eerie silence. On opening the door a nightmare developed. Blood lay everywhere, dead animals littered the deck. The giraffe struggled to lift his head.
“What happened?” asked Noah.
“The sloth accidently stood on an ant. The lions said we must follow the rules and kill the sloth. When the lions did this the rhinos flattened the lions; in doing so a cat, both rabbits and a tortoise were trampled on. A zebra and antelope started a small stampede setting off the Indian and African elephants who wiped out nearly everything. Some animals panicked and jumped ship; birds flew off eating insects on their way. It was awful”.
Noah fell to his knees. “All that effort and worry – nothing to show for it.” His wife and children were dead; he appeared to be the only survivor as the giraffe took its last breath.
“Well, that looks like the end of everything!” Just then he heard a noise coming from the lower deck. “Help! Help!”
Noah struggled through the corpses to find the bull close to death. “Is that you calling?”
Two hands appeared from behind a large cereal store followed by a head. It was Noah’s mother-in-law. “Thank God. Please help me Noah it’s that bull.”
Noah stood still not knowing what to do. He picked up a red table cloth and threw it at her.
“Right, run to the edge of the ship and throw the cloth into the water. The bull will follow and hopefully fall in. She ran at a good speed for an old woman. Unfortunately the cloth caught her left foot just as she reached the edge tripping and falling onto her face. The bull reached his target at great speed; unable to stop it brushed Noah’s mother-in-law into the sea, the bull following close behind. The sight of them flaying around in the water underneath an outspread tablecloth seemed quite surreal.
Noah pulled up a chair, put his feet up and turned on the portable CD player. The track playing was the Beatles Nowhere man.